im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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