My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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