Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
