I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
