I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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