is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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