got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
