dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
