apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize