I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
