btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
