i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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