TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
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