I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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