He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
