you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
