my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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