i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i barfeds in our rink
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
