I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
