just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
