so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
