and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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