She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
