I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize