I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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