i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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