Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
