I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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