nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
