wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
