He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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