just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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