What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The best revenge is premature balding
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
