Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
