Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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