Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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