I'm jealous of your bromance
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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