he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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