Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize