just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
