your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
