Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
