it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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