I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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