this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
