I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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