I'll bet she douches with gravy.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
