i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize