Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
