i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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