i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
