I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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