bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
