I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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