Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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