They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize