wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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