well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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