I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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