Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
