I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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