last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
