Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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