You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So much rum. So many feels.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
