Kiss
Puke
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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