i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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