im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
