You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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