i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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