May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
