sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
