In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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