his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
