I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
